October is almost over, and I’m sitting here wondering how that happened. Usually, this is the time of year when I’m happiest, when I’m settling into my favorite season with a good book, a blanket, and a Hallmark Christmas movie playing in the background. October is my month. The colors, the cooler days, the Halloween traditions, the anticipation of the holidays just around the corner. There is so much about this time of year that I love, yet somehow, this October has passed me by without me really getting to enjoy much of it.
It hasn’t been the best month, and if I’m being honest, I’m ready to put some of it behind me. At the same time, there’s a sadness in watching it come to an end because this is the time of year I look forward to most. I feel like I blinked, and October was nearly gone.
When Your Child Is Hurting, So Are You
A good part of my heart and mind has been wrapped up in a child who is struggling. I won’t get into the details because some things belong to the people living them, but I will say that parenting doesn’t get easier just because your children get older. That’s something nobody can adequately explain to you when you’re raising little ones.
When they’re small, you worry about scraped knees, fevers, schoolyard problems, and all the little things that seem so big at the time. You kiss the boo-boos, offer a hug, fix what you can, and hope tomorrow is a better day. As they grow older, the problems change, and sometimes they’re things you can’t fix with a hug or a reassuring word. You can’t always step in and make things right, no matter how badly you want to.
You learn that loving your children sometimes means standing beside them while they work through things you wish you could take away. You worry when they’re worried. You hurt when they’re hurting. Even when you go about your daily routine, part of your mind is somewhere else, wondering how they’re doing and wishing you could make life a little easier for them. I take my children’s pain personally, and I feel it deeply.
That’s where I’ve been this month. My mind has been occupied with things far more important than what movie I’m watching or what book I’m reading. The ordinary things that usually bring me comfort have taken a back seat, and I’ve found myself moving through the days without feeling entirely present for them.
That’s the hard part about being a parent. Your heart doesn’t clock out just because the rest of you has to keep going.
I Miss The Little Things That Make October Mine
My birthday came and went, and I barely noticed. That sentence still feels strange to write because birthdays have a way of reminding us that time is moving, whether we’re paying attention or not. Usually, I at least take a moment to acknowledge the day, even if I don’t do anything special. This year, it seemed to slip right past me.
My reading has been off, too. Anyone who knows me knows that books are one of my favorite ways to escape for a while. There is something comforting about getting lost in another world, meeting new characters, and having a story to look forward to at the end of the day. Lately, though, my mind hasn’t been cooperating. I’ll pick up a book, try to settle in, and realize I’m reading the same paragraph for the third time because my thoughts are somewhere else.
My Hallmark Christmas movie watching hasn’t been what it usually is, either. I know, I know. Christmas movies in October aren’t everyone’s idea of a good time, but they’re part of my seasonal happiness. I love the familiar stories, the little towns, the decorations, the romance, and the predictable happy endings. Sometimes you just want to watch something where you know things are going to work out in the end.
This year, I haven’t had the attention span or the energy to enjoy them the way I normally would. The movies are there. The books are there. The season is right outside my door. Yet somehow, I’ve felt a little disconnected from all of it.
My days run into my nights, and before I know it, another day is gone. I do what needs doing, take care of what I can, and keep moving. Then evening comes, and I’m left wondering where the hours went and why I haven’t managed to enjoy the things I’ve been looking forward to for months.
It’s a strange feeling to have your favorite time of year arrive while you feel as though you’re watching it through a window.
Getting Older Makes October Feel A Little Different
There is another part of October’s ending that has been on my mind, and it has less to do with this particular month than with the passage of time.
I have more Octobers behind me than I have ahead of me now. I know that sounds like a simple fact of getting older, but every once in a while, it lands a little harder than usual. You start thinking about all the seasons you’ve lived through, the birthdays that came and went, the people you’ve loved, the things you’ve worried about, and the years that seemed to last forever when you were younger.
When you’re young, there always seems to be another year waiting around the corner. Another fall. Another Halloween. Another chance to do the things you didn’t get around to doing this time. As the years pass, you become more aware that time isn’t something you can put on hold until life settles down.
And life doesn’t always settle down when you want it to.
There will always be something demanding your attention. Someone you love will need you. Work will pile up, responsibilities will take over, and sometimes your own plans will have to wait. That’s part of being an adult, especially when you’re a parent. But every now and then, I wish I could slow everything down long enough to enjoy the season I’m actually living in.
I don’t want to look back on October and remember only the things that worried me. I want to remember the little pleasures, too. The books I read, the movies I watched, the decorations I enjoyed, the cool evenings, and the simple comfort of being home during my favorite time of year.
This October hasn’t given me much of that, and I’m a little sad about it.
Maybe November Can Bring A Little Peace
I’m ready for November, but I’m not ready for October to be gone. Both things can be true, and that’s pretty much where I find myself right now.
I’m ready to turn the page on a difficult month. I’m ready for a little breathing room, for things to ease up, and for the people I love to find their footing again. More than anything, I want some peace for my family. I want the kind of ordinary days we sometimes take for granted, when everyone is doing okay and there’s a little less weighing on our hearts.
I’m also hoping November brings some of the comfort I associate with the holidays. The familiar traditions, the food, the lights, the movies, the anticipation of Thanksgiving, and the gradual shift toward Christmas. I love this time of year, not because everything is perfect, but because there is something reassuring about returning to traditions that have always meant something to me.
Maybe I’ll find my way back into a good book. Maybe I’ll catch up on those Christmas movies. Maybe I’ll spend an evening doing absolutely nothing productive and enjoy every minute of it. Maybe I’ll sleep the entire night. I’d like that. I miss feeling settled enough to enjoy the little things without my mind wandering back to everything that’s happening around me.
I know a new month won’t magically fix everything. The calendar changes whether we’re ready or not, and whatever we’re carrying doesn’t disappear at midnight on the last day of October. I’ll still be a parent, still worry about my children, and still have days when my mind is somewhere other than where I’d like it to be.
But I can hope for better days without expecting everything to be perfect. I can welcome November and whatever it brings, while admitting that October wasn’t what I wanted it to be.
Letting October Go, Even If I’m Not Quite Ready
As much as I hate to see my favorite month end this way, perhaps it’s okay that I didn’t get to enjoy every bit of it. Life doesn’t always leave room for the things we love, even when we need them most. Sometimes we’re simply doing our best to get through a stretch of days that asks more of us than we expected.
I wish this October had been different. I wish my birthday hadn’t slipped by unnoticed. I wish I’d read more books, watched more movies, and taken a little more time to enjoy the season. Most of all, I wish the people I love the most weren’t having such a hard time.
Still, I’m here, and October is nearly behind me. I’ll take the memories I have, even if there aren’t as many happy seasonal moments as I’d hoped for, and I’ll look toward November with a little hope tucked away.
Maybe there will be more quiet evenings, a good book that finally holds my attention, and a Christmas movie that makes me forget about the world for a couple of hours. Maybe there will be a few days when things feel lighter. Maybe the holidays will bring the kind of comfort that reminds me why I’ve always loved this time of year.
For now, I’m giving myself permission to be a little sad about the October I didn’t get to have, while looking forward to the November that’s waiting for me.
Because even when life gets heavy, I still believe in the comfort of home, the stories we love, the traditions we return to, and the possibility of a better day tomorrow.
Goodbye, October. You weren’t my best, but you were still mine.
November, I’m hoping you’ll be a little gentler with us.
Lisa Crow contributed to this article. She is a true crime junkie and lifestyle blogger based in Waco, Texas. Lisa is the Head of Content at Gigi’s Ramblings and Southern Bred True Crime Junkie. She spends her free time traveling when she can and making memories with her large family which consists of six children and sixteen grandchildren.